He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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