I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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