I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
