One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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