Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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