well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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