I think I died a long time ago.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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