I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
