I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
