My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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