So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
