can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
