I'm eating all of the evidence.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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