Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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