The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
