my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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