im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
