If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
