btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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