can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize