i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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