Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
