I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
