When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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