Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
