I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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