Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
