Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
