did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
