my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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