I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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