someone get that fucking seahorse.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
