hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
sarcasm needs its own font
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
