My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
