The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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