Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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