I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
