yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Randomize
