Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
