I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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