I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
porn star boner night. come get it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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