My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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