I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Everything about him screamed your future.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
