so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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