he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
