I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
