I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
