I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
