I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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