I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
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I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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