I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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