An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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