She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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