Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize