I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
