if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
