I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
