i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
