look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
