I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
