Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
